Progress, slowly slowly.

So things seem now to be heading in a scary but ultimately more positive direction for me at last. After a recent discussion with my wife she now seems to understand the concept of me wanting to feel more ‘normal ‘ whatever that actually might be. She gets that living as my male self is hard work and often overwhelming and that when living as my female self I feel contented, calm and ‘normal ‘. She therefore gets that transitioning is all I can do to improve things for myself and ultimately for our family.

To date I’ve seen a specialist psychiatrist, a specialist GP whom will oversee and prescribe hrt, had bloods taken to check, had 2 laser sessions on my face. Next I’ll take a letter from said psychiatrist to the GP and all going to plan will start hrt sometime mid January.

I’ve seen strange looking photo booth things around shopping centres recently purporting to be able to scan a person in 3D, giving accurate measurements for clothing, fitness tracking and a like. I figure it might be a useful tool to visualise transitioning over time so scanned myself this afternoon! To be honest I’m a bit deflated as I quite clearly need to go on a diet, but otherwise.. interesting… They’re called ‘mPort body scanners’ if you come across one and of course you can visualise things using an ‘app’. See https://mport.com/

Here’s my first results:

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GP Appointment. Transitioning?

Hi all, I’m trying not to think too hard about this as I fear my anxiety will cause me to abort an important step next week. I have an appointment with a specialist GP working with people seeking gender transitioning. After many sessions with Prof Harte, I’ve come to the point where really the direction I want to go is clear. Perhaps starting on a low dose estradiol to see how I feel before increasing up to around 4mg per day.

Maybe I’ll get a scan done here regularly and document any changes: https://mport.com/?fbclid=IwAR0B9XoypeMfQgN8gKFMAaXqdyY-Wgdq_Vq-rCQ0dQ7HNa1Ip-_L3GotNnk

So far, my wife has not been keen to talk much about this but suggested herself recently that she thinks I’m moving toward transitioning. I neither agreed nor disagreed, but said it was something I was seriously considering. She’s been far more warm towards me ever since which I’m taking as a good thing. Indeed, she pointed out that she would prefer to see me contented with life than perpetually depressed.

I’ll talk to my mother and brothers soon too.

I’ve had one facial laser session so far, with perhaps a 30 % reduction in dark hairs as a result. Another session at the end of next week.

Talked things over with my manager at work, whom has a long background as a mental health nurse and was lovely with me. I work in a state govt dept which has a clear hr policy for this sort of thing also.

I’ve even talked with a long standing colleague about transitioning. She offered to help in any way she could, even offering help making clothes. (She’s an awesome seamstress in her spare time).

Had another couple of days to myself last weekend and did the grocery shopping as Rachael in a larger shopping centre, but stayed home otherwise as I had lots of jobs to get through. Whipper snipping 800m/sq of weeds in 40 degrees C for instance!

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I’m considering using a completely different name too. I’ve used Rachael for years now, but in reality don’t really think I like it. (Sorry to any Rachael’s reading this). But I recently read a cool name which when shortened and be used by my kids as a descriptor. Madeline can be shortened to Maddy, which is also a combination of mummy and daddy thereby avoiding having two mummy’s. I also just ‘feel’ more of a Madeline than a Rachael!

So, even though I’m somewhat terrified, I’m looking more and more likely to change my outward image considerably over the next year ….

Well, it’s been a while to say the least.

But much stuff has been happening……

I started seeing my psychiatrist again due to extreme depression with life as it is. I’m a father to 3 lovely kids and a husband, but I’m also a female inside me. Awkward!

So one task that I needed to do was to be myself for an extended period, I.e 4 days. Now I’ll quantify this a little, to enable the time away, people around me understand that cycling is very important to me, but of late no riding has been possible. So a long weekend riding was perfectly feasible. My wife knows that in addition to riding some mountains, I’d be tacking other big things…..

So, when not in lycra shorts over the last few days, I’ve been female. One of the biggest things for me is self esteem/confidence, so I’ve not pushed myself too hard with anything other than relaxing, reading, watching movies or going for a drive.

Yesterday I figured IKEA late in the afternoon would be a safe space, so after a lovely gentle drive through the mountains I arrived at their now quieting Carpark. Perfect. I figured my outfit would fit in fine, I felt excited and a bit nervous but off I went inside.

I tried not to worry too much and simply focussed on a purposeful activity. Buying some Daime bars (A small addiction problem there!) The girl on the counter smiled, so I smiled back as I handed over my cash. I then figured a pee might be wise before heading back to the car and the female toilet in IKEA would be safe. Again no problem, I even managed to touch up my hair before leaving.

Drove back to my rented cottage and ate my gorgeous falafel and beetroot salad alfresco then watched some telly.

My bike and I had issues this morning, a cable guide collapsed causing 1st and 2nd gear to be unavailable…… challenging when you’re trying to ride up a 1600m mountain. Plus my legs and lungs simply had nothing to give, so… I gave up after 800m climbing and enjoyed a 68kph descent.

After a nice bath, lunch and coffee I figured I hadn’t got anything for dinner and needed to go to the shopping centre…. so, given I had all the time in the world to get ready, I spent 2 hours with makeup, hair and clothes. It was 24 degrees out and a 1 hour drive, but thankfully my Citroen has great aircon.

At the shopping centre I parked near the entrance and walked as gracefully as I could inside. I knew that I would need a purpose to get me there, so needing food was a great incentive. I stopped by the female toilet again and no one paid any attention to me, even at close range.

Walking around the supermarket in my dress was amazing, I really felt quite normal and content, like this was how I should always be. Bought another falafel salad (seriously yummy), dessert etc and did the self checkout thing, though my confidence wobbled a little when I saw the queue. No need to fret though as it moved quickly enough.

Heading back to the car and I took my time to look at some clothes shop windows.

Last evening I really enjoyed a lovely walk by the river, taking a couple of pictures as the sun went down. Only ducks for company though as all the day trippers had left.

I woke early this morning and as I have plenty of time to hand, I thought why not get up and see how quickly I could get ready for work. No need to shave and I had a smart work outfit figured out. Black chiffon asymmetrical skirt, grey blouse, jacket, tights and heels. Even with a quick shower I managed to get ready in 35 minutes. Makeup, jewelry etc etc! Of course, I’m still on holiday so I’m a little overdressed for the mountains now.

Back to family life later, but will be booking in to see the Prof later in the week to unpack all of this. Next steps…… hmm, seems like laser hair reduction to my face and hormones to think about….

Comfortable.

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Well, ok then, saying as this is my last opportunity to be girl for a few weeks. So instead of continuing with the renovations on my old cottage, i went for a lovely drive in the country this morning.

This is after finally going to a TG group night on Saturday where i felt comfortable and relaxed. Thank you Seahorse Vic and those i spoke to, i had a great night (with my wifes blessing as well). Besides being hungry that is as my nerves made me avoid dinner before getting ready!

Interesting research presentation and so relevant to my wife and my situation. Took the plain language statement to share with my wife and perhaps participate as its looking at the mechanisms which support trans lives in a heterosexual marriage.

So, maybe I’ll be able to get out once or twice a month from now on. I think this will make a substantial improvement for me.

Another completely unrelated thing which is having a positive effect for me is the purchase of a new bicycle frame. Managed to get my paws on a frame used by Giant Alpecin last year, its a Giant TCR advanced sl O. Perfect for climbing as the frame only weighs 750grams!

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That’s the sexiest photo I’ll ever post!

Night out.

Quick post tonight, after much thought and discussion around many different topics, houses, finance, work, parenting, my wife and i agree that I should venture out to a local support group this coming Saturday night as this might help me with a deep depression I’m currently in.

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I can feel the bleakness subsiding already!

Out and about

Well, the last week has been fun. Girl time on 5 separate occasions in 7 days has seen my confidence increase to the point where I took myself off to a shopping mall and took a walk around the car park this morning… i had planned on going in to buy some clothes, but lost my nerve.

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I did have a picnic at a local lake and a short walk for fresh air, but that’s not all that interesting really.

What i do know is that i need more opportunities to do interesting things as a girl. Not sure if pubs and support groups are my thing though. A visit to a vinyard with my wife is the dream, but likely very far off.

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Looking after myself.
Rachael

A grand day out.

Hello!   Its been far too long since Rachael was around so ive made amends this week…..

A while ago,well October last year, i meet the lovely Melissa who runs a small business offering makeovers and photos here in Melbourne. (Metamorphosis). For a few reasons i won’t go into here, i was under the impression that she had forgotten my photos or was too busy to consider them. ( Hey… that’s low self esteem for you). Anyway, ive been very down recently and figured my femininity was being neglected. I contacted Melissa to see what was happening. Melissa had in fact already sent them, but was happy to resend. I got these photos 2 days ago and I’m quite stunned…….. She’s an artist and perfectionist for sure.

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So having seen these in the same week i needed to travel for work, I figured some time for myself might be just what i need.
Last night i practised with some new eyeliner and usual makeup and had fun trying on different outfits. The new wig is a disappointment sadly, much darker than I expected and too harsh for me to carry off.

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Real shame as its actually quite good quality. Might try dying it as its human hair…..
This morning i woke up before 6am but thought that as im actually working (albeit via laptop and mobile) that i should dress for the city.
I had a few personal challenges that i keep avoiding through anxiety, but with confidence in my look this morning i headed to my car and went to get some breakfast. Now i know fast food wraps and coffee from a drive through aren’t healthy, but i didn’t have the courage 1st thing for a supermarket shop. Next i figured i should get some cash out for the day and had a quiet walk to the atm. No one around yet but good to walk and feel the sensations.
Next i decided to start the drive back to Melbourne. This was a bigger deal than it sounds as by doing this i removed the option of going back to the hotel and going boy again. It also meant i needed to figure a place to change later, but i had a rough plan of trying a shower and change place ive used when riding to work sometimes.
After an hour i thought id have a look at the road up to mount Macedon as i plan on riding up it soon and i was passing. At the top i needed the ladies and even though a few people where around they where way to busy to look at me too closely. It was only 12 degrees C up there, but I sort of liked the cold air on my legs. I took a couple of photos which are only of me despite there actually being other people around.

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At this point i knew I would have to go into Melbourne and as i had 150kms in the tank for a 68km drive i wouldn’t need petrol before i became boy again.
Into the city centre, parked up collected my things and headed across the carpark and up the stairs to the city centre.  Noting the cubicles with showers where being cleaned i thought a short walk around the block would be fine and it sure was! 
But on closer checking of the cubicles i saw to my horror they where out of order…….. went back to my car and had a think. Only 50kms of fuel left now so had to be close or i’d need to get fuel. Wouldn’t have been a problem i guess. Thankfully the beach has loads of change places with showers (cold ones, brrrgh!) So after going back up into the lobby to pay my parking , i drove as economically as possible to the beach. The showers and changing rooms are a short walk from the carpark, but it was nice to find my feminine rhythm walking along the path. I chose the women’s and dissolved into boy again. No one around.
I have 2 days away again next month, yippee!