Comfortable.

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Well, ok then, saying as this is my last opportunity to be girl for a few weeks. So instead of continuing with the renovations on my old cottage, i went for a lovely drive in the country this morning.

This is after finally going to a TG group night on Saturday where i felt comfortable and relaxed. Thank you Seahorse Vic and those i spoke to, i had a great night (with my wifes blessing as well). Besides being hungry that is as my nerves made me avoid dinner before getting ready!

Interesting research presentation and so relevant to my wife and my situation. Took the plain language statement to share with my wife and perhaps participate as its looking at the mechanisms which support trans lives in a heterosexual marriage.

So, maybe I’ll be able to get out once or twice a month from now on. I think this will make a substantial improvement for me.

Another completely unrelated thing which is having a positive effect for me is the purchase of a new bicycle frame. Managed to get my paws on a frame used by Giant Alpecin last year, its a Giant TCR advanced sl O. Perfect for climbing as the frame only weighs 750grams!

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That’s the sexiest photo I’ll ever post!

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Night out.

Quick post tonight, after much thought and discussion around many different topics, houses, finance, work, parenting, my wife and i agree that I should venture out to a local support group this coming Saturday night as this might help me with a deep depression I’m currently in.

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I can feel the bleakness subsiding already!

Out and about

Well, the last week has been fun. Girl time on 5 separate occasions in 7 days has seen my confidence increase to the point where I took myself off to a shopping mall and took a walk around the car park this morning… i had planned on going in to buy some clothes, but lost my nerve.

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I did have a picnic at a local lake and a short walk for fresh air, but that’s not all that interesting really.

What i do know is that i need more opportunities to do interesting things as a girl. Not sure if pubs and support groups are my thing though. A visit to a vinyard with my wife is the dream, but likely very far off.

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Looking after myself.
Rachael

A grand day out.

Hello!   Its been far too long since Rachael was around so ive made amends this week…..

A while ago,well October last year, i meet the lovely Melissa who runs a small business offering makeovers and photos here in Melbourne. (Metamorphosis). For a few reasons i won’t go into here, i was under the impression that she had forgotten my photos or was too busy to consider them. ( Hey… that’s low self esteem for you). Anyway, ive been very down recently and figured my femininity was being neglected. I contacted Melissa to see what was happening. Melissa had in fact already sent them, but was happy to resend. I got these photos 2 days ago and I’m quite stunned…….. She’s an artist and perfectionist for sure.

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So having seen these in the same week i needed to travel for work, I figured some time for myself might be just what i need.
Last night i practised with some new eyeliner and usual makeup and had fun trying on different outfits. The new wig is a disappointment sadly, much darker than I expected and too harsh for me to carry off.

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Real shame as its actually quite good quality. Might try dying it as its human hair…..
This morning i woke up before 6am but thought that as im actually working (albeit via laptop and mobile) that i should dress for the city.
I had a few personal challenges that i keep avoiding through anxiety, but with confidence in my look this morning i headed to my car and went to get some breakfast. Now i know fast food wraps and coffee from a drive through aren’t healthy, but i didn’t have the courage 1st thing for a supermarket shop. Next i figured i should get some cash out for the day and had a quiet walk to the atm. No one around yet but good to walk and feel the sensations.
Next i decided to start the drive back to Melbourne. This was a bigger deal than it sounds as by doing this i removed the option of going back to the hotel and going boy again. It also meant i needed to figure a place to change later, but i had a rough plan of trying a shower and change place ive used when riding to work sometimes.
After an hour i thought id have a look at the road up to mount Macedon as i plan on riding up it soon and i was passing. At the top i needed the ladies and even though a few people where around they where way to busy to look at me too closely. It was only 12 degrees C up there, but I sort of liked the cold air on my legs. I took a couple of photos which are only of me despite there actually being other people around.

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At this point i knew I would have to go into Melbourne and as i had 150kms in the tank for a 68km drive i wouldn’t need petrol before i became boy again.
Into the city centre, parked up collected my things and headed across the carpark and up the stairs to the city centre.  Noting the cubicles with showers where being cleaned i thought a short walk around the block would be fine and it sure was! 
But on closer checking of the cubicles i saw to my horror they where out of order…….. went back to my car and had a think. Only 50kms of fuel left now so had to be close or i’d need to get fuel. Wouldn’t have been a problem i guess. Thankfully the beach has loads of change places with showers (cold ones, brrrgh!) So after going back up into the lobby to pay my parking , i drove as economically as possible to the beach. The showers and changing rooms are a short walk from the carpark, but it was nice to find my feminine rhythm walking along the path. I chose the women’s and dissolved into boy again. No one around.
I have 2 days away again next month, yippee!

Life and family .

Today is just another day in my life . Same job Same drive to work. Same busy family with growing children and a wife that i have my frustrations with, but love all the same.

Can’t stand this way of existence much longer.

The sporadic manner in which i am able to express a female side to myself is not enough for me. There’s no plan, no agreement, no time, no conversation. The female is supressed and ignored. Hardly a recipe for good mental health.

I stopped seeing my gender psychiatrist a while ago, but maybe i should re-engage. I was perhaps scared to continue as it was appearing more and more likely that i should transition and the ramifications are terrifying. But as i have read recently the ramifications of not could be more dangerous.

24 hrs.

What a wonderful 24hrs ive just enjoyed. Wife and kids visiting relatives 4 hours away for 3 days. Worked from home yesterday so was able to get into the bath by 4pm and start my transformation. Took my time and enjoyed getting my make up just right. But going through my clothes, trying out different things and combinations, I just couldn’t get something together that looked right. I took photos and was happy with a few then decided to make the best of a bad job and go shopping. Trouble was, i was terrified and couldn’t find the courage to get out of my car. So drove home again.
Reflecting on the evening I  reckon that getting the look how i wanted was critical to my confidence. Going over the photos, theres nothing wrong at all with how i looked. So after a good nights sleep i rose very early and dressed in more relaxed summery skirt and top. Hopped in my car and went for a lovely drive.
On returning home I simply sorted out a few things around the house and sat on my deck with some wine and a book. Sometimes its just not necessary to do everything squeezed into a short space of time. By taking my time today and going with a natural flow i was able to be far more comfortable and confident as a woman.

Photo shoot….

So things have been so very quiet in the land of Rachael over these last few months.  To be honest I’ve barely had time to think about anything for myself as life has been so very busy. The only time to myself that i could justify has been my cycling as its more ‘acceptable’ in my wifes eyes and perhaps my own. Plus, ive really been enjoying the health benefits.
But at last this week ive been able to express this side of me and oh my goodness what an expression it was……

I’ve seen some amazing makeovers done by a local girl called Melissa. Shes a fully qualified make up artist, hair stylist and photographer. (Metamorphosis, Melbourne, Australia. Check out her Facebook page). So I arranged for an afternoon with her last Tuesday. She and I had some discussion as to my wishes for styling etc including a comprehensive questionaire over the days preceding so Mel knew fairly well what I’d like to try.  Initially I wanted a ‘spring racing’ look, basically pretty dress, shoes hat etc and a more formal look with my blue evening dress. However,  time and finances dictated only one look would be possible. I chose the formal ball gown as its so far away from what i could achieve by myself.  As yet i don’t have the pictures as Mel needs to cull and tidy. Given she took well over 400 shots this may take a few weeks. She explained that to her the transformation and recording of the results is Art and from what ive seen so far, she truly is an artist.

I’ll share the pictures in due course certainty, but I’m unsure if the world is ready for a new ‘female bond villan’……..