But much stuff has been happening……

I started seeing my psychiatrist again due to extreme depression with life as it is. I’m a father to 3 lovely kids and a husband, but I’m also a female inside me. Awkward!

So one task that I needed to do was to be myself for an extended period, I.e 4 days. Now I’ll quantify this a little, to enable the time away, people around me understand that cycling is very important to me, but of late no riding has been possible. So a long weekend riding was perfectly feasible. My wife knows that in addition to riding some mountains, I’d be tacking other big things…..

So, when not in lycra shorts over the last few days, I’ve been female. One of the biggest things for me is self esteem/confidence, so I’ve not pushed myself too hard with anything other than relaxing, reading, watching movies or going for a drive.

Yesterday I figured IKEA late in the afternoon would be a safe space, so after a lovely gentle drive through the mountains I arrived at their now quieting Carpark. Perfect. I figured my outfit would fit in fine, I felt excited and a bit nervous but off I went inside.

I tried not to worry too much and simply focussed on a purposeful activity. Buying some Daime bars (A small addiction problem there!) The girl on the counter smiled, so I smiled back as I handed over my cash. I then figured a pee might be wise before heading back to the car and the female toilet in IKEA would be safe. Again no problem, I even managed to touch up my hair before leaving.

Drove back to my rented cottage and ate my gorgeous falafel and beetroot salad alfresco then watched some telly.

My bike and I had issues this morning, a cable guide collapsed causing 1st and 2nd gear to be unavailable…… challenging when you’re trying to ride up a 1600m mountain. Plus my legs and lungs simply had nothing to give, so… I gave up after 800m climbing and enjoyed a 68kph descent.

After a nice bath, lunch and coffee I figured I hadn’t got anything for dinner and needed to go to the shopping centre…. so, given I had all the time in the world to get ready, I spent 2 hours with makeup, hair and clothes. It was 24 degrees out and a 1 hour drive, but thankfully my Citroen has great aircon.

At the shopping centre I parked near the entrance and walked as gracefully as I could inside. I knew that I would need a purpose to get me there, so needing food was a great incentive. I stopped by the female toilet again and no one paid any attention to me, even at close range.

Walking around the supermarket in my dress was amazing, I really felt quite normal and content, like this was how I should always be. Bought another falafel salad (seriously yummy), dessert etc and did the self checkout thing, though my confidence wobbled a little when I saw the queue. No need to fret though as it moved quickly enough.

Heading back to the car and I took my time to look at some clothes shop windows.

Last evening I really enjoyed a lovely walk by the river, taking a couple of pictures as the sun went down. Only ducks for company though as all the day trippers had left.

I woke early this morning and as I have plenty of time to hand, I thought why not get up and see how quickly I could get ready for work. No need to shave and I had a smart work outfit figured out. Black chiffon asymmetrical skirt, grey blouse, jacket, tights and heels. Even with a quick shower I managed to get ready in 35 minutes. Makeup, jewelry etc etc! Of course, I’m still on holiday so I’m a little overdressed for the mountains now.

Back to family life later, but will be booking in to see the Prof later in the week to unpack all of this. Next steps…… hmm, seems like laser hair reduction to my face and hormones to think about….


4 thoughts on “Well, it’s been a while to say the least.

  1. Wonderful post as always !!
    As another keen cyclist I can understand the draw of the mountain and the issues with the gears!
    (what is it with cycling and TG’s ?? – maybe we should start our own club!)
    Good luck with your forward journey, communications is the key.

  2. Interesting. I recently spent an unforgettable 4 days 100% as Michelle. Took a trip to Galway. Did a little sightseeing, shopping and dining plus taking in a great film at the cinema (Black 47, recommended) I avoided cycling as I was en famme though it was a cover in part for my solo trip. Temperatures were a very comfortable 12deg. Will be repeating this again. Wonderful to read of your extended ‘you’ time and glad it went well for you. Like you experienced, it all felt soooo natural though getting prepared in the morning was hard work 😂. How did you find conversing. That was my main fear but I found as the days passed it was getting easier. No doubt it gave you a major boost in confidence. Way to go you.

    • Thanks Michelle, its really rather awkward the whole conversation thing. I havent yet been in the circumstances where Ive needed to though. Fortunately we converse as humans at a basic level without our voices using context, inference and body language So I’ve managed to get around this, but of course the direction I seem to heading will make this utterly critical. Ironically, my wife is a speech therapist, but I suspect she wouldn’t be keen on helping her husband with this.

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